Fellow readers, after reading through this garbbled piece of crap, I would like to say, Read at your own risk!

Hmmmm, I am starting to notice a trend here, my entries are actually interspersed fortnightly. It seems that it takes about 2 weeks for me to actually build up the mood of writing an entry but nonetheless, I think it is good that such a schedule exist. I like that, at least every entry I make will contain a lot of exciting crap for everyone to read.

As usual, another insane 2 weeks, more hard-hitting, nail-biting action. In which, I will divulge to all to see now.

Let’s see, where was I previously? Oh yes. About the girl. It seems that we’ve actually decided to fix the remnants of our relationship and she proposed that we be friends. JUST FRIENDS. Me being the loser I am accepted it. I am sure that those who are familiar with the art of seduction and being a player must be going WTF at this very moment but honestly, I could never use seduction techniques on her. I know, I know, women are totally different from us me due to their “emotional” ways of thinking versus our extremely “logical” thoughts.

Yet I would like to pursue this issue based on my own capabilities and not some tips gathered from the internet. I do agree that those said techniques work, having observed a few of the results based on my own experiments back during my overseas years yet, this girl is special. A defeatist attitude you may say?

Bleh.

Anyhow, we’ve agreed to start once more yet I do feel that it wont really change the situation actually. In a way, I am now a friend. Nothing more. What that basically means is, I am a part of a group of people who knows her and she acknowledges our existance. Yet when it comes to being close to her or being a part of her true inner circle, I guess that a total impossibility now.

Honestly, I still am curious as to where I stand with her really but realistically looking at it, I am sure I am not factored into anything in her life. I am just another batch in the pile just like before but now within a somewhat better batch.

I’ll keep this going and see where it leads me. I am sure it doesnt hurt to try at least, right?

That’s the most important thing that happened in the past 3 weeks. Other than that, I am unemployed due to the end of my contract which I should find out by tomorrow whether or not I’ll get my extension. Honestly, I want that extension because I think it is a wonderful opportunity to continue on with this organization for the sake of improving my resume and even the possibly of a full permenant posting, which of course entails many great benefits.

New Years Eve?

Well, all I can say is it was pretty run of the mill, nothing exciting nor nothing humdrum. I just hung out with a bunch of guys who liked the idea of getting smashed on Whiskey versus the massive molestation orgies else where. Hmmmm, looking back at the previous sentence, it does sound so damn wrong that I chose whiskey over the molestations.

What’s my new year’s resolution?

Honestly, I dont know. Resolutions to me sound more like performing affirmations to continue doing the things that one should not have been doing in the first place.

Hence, I got no new year resolutions but I sure as hell have a lot of objectives I’d like to accomplish within this year. Unusually, this new year feels like deja vu, the same feeling I had in January last year concerning the direction of which I should take in my life. As much as I think I know where I’d like to go, I am still uncertain.

I cant doubt however that my life now cant be compared to what it was last year but still, the path I have chosen isnt truly well defined at this point. I have a rough idea but it is I am giving myself an offset of +50 to -50 in getting there.

This cant be good of course but I will for sure continue on with my little “vacation” here. I might get some crazy spark of intuition and actually find what’s my next step.

Much like the Emperor Penguins in the March of the Penguins.

Heh.

Oh well, let’s see what happens in the next 2 weeks. Another 2 weeks of pure insanity I guess.

For the sake of continuity, I also found this somewhat amusing yet obvious entry about how jaded I became towards relationships in general.

At the time, I was actually working for someone who had was undergoing a bit of problems concerning her boyfriend. I wasnt ever close to her for even as attracted as I was to her, I knew I did not stand a chance with her for she came from a totally different world from mine.

Surprisingly though, she reminded me so much of the love I love so dearly. Especially from the way she carried herself, with such an energetic and bubbly personality that was impossible not to like. Not to mention that she was very pretty didnt help me at all.

I actually forced myself to distance myself from her because I did not want to betray the feelings I had in me for my love. Yet that’s another story I will share in the future when time permits.

Anyhow, here’s my first comedic and somewhat jaded outlook towards relationships.

Think you’re a loser? Congratulations, you’re sexy!
Saturday, May 07, 2005

Another day, another dollar.

Hmmmm, as I sat down at work today mulling over the things I needed to settle, a thought came to my mind.

To love is to love the other’s imperfections, or something like that.

I wonder, who ever thought that up? Sure, loving one’s imperfection comes when one is in a relationship with another AFTER all the “perfections” of the others have been explored and exhausted. This is what many call as “acceptance”, acceptance of one’s whole, the essence of loving each other even though they fart like mad and smell like AIDS.

However, have you ever considered these flaws as one’s selling point to the prospective partner in which you are pursuing?

Think about it, rather than state those boring good traits about yourself, which many a time no one believes in, then one should just state one’s flaws! People love gossip and discussions on flawed character traits! This makes for wonderful conversations anytime anywhere! Think of the convenience of having a wonderful topic in which one gets to belittle oneself. Hell, most people love talking about themselves anyway so why not sell yourself at the same time? Who knows, maybe the girl sitting next to you maybe the “one”.

In order to highlight how easy it is to actually succeed using this method, I will use myself as a great example to the wonders of this method.

I am,

Lazy
Moody
Unfocused
Blames others
Indecisive
Anxious
Foul mouthed
Bitchy
Arrogant
Lame
A scare-dy cat
Has no taste in clothes
Unkempt
Buck toothed
Yadda, Yadda, Yadda…

lol behold, I am indeed a man of many imperfections! Love me now please!

With all these imperfections, wouldn’t this make me one of the most eligible bachelor’s to love based on such obvious character flaws?

Why bother to improve when these flaws are actually symptoms of great attraction? Plus it is so easy to be such a flawed person! Wow, no wonder there are so many couples in the village I live in! This would probably mean, I am not flawed enough to be loved!

Hoo-wah! Now I got something to work on! I should now pursue a new objective of not taking baths, shaving and also taking care of my health! The more pathetic I get, the more attractive I become! Being a bum and a total jackass would become the new epitome of sexiness, reverberating through this stereotypical based world we live in!

Hoorah, Hoorah!

Such revelation, such insight. I amaze myself with my ability to observe and conclude such stupid menial things!

See? Another flaw! I am over-critical in matters which are silly, stupid and smallish which are not worth the time spent upon.

Hmmmm, now where are all the ladies that want a slice of my imperfections?

On a side note, if you were wondering why I started that entry with the saying, “another day, another dollar”, well it was because this entry was written during work, which says a lot concerning my attentiveness to my responsibilities there. =P

So there.

Just a few minutes ago, I stumbled across an old writing I made a few months ago chronicling my experiences during my graduation. Reading it again made me realize as to what a gem it truly was to my eyes. To me, what I wrote was pretty surreal, yet so honest.

I loved what I wrote and still do enjoy reading it, even now.

For that, I feel that it is my duty that this “entry” I made should no goto waste and have decided to repost it here, for the sake of archiving it.

So here it is.

Observations of an Alien Culture
Saturday, April 7th 2005

It has been 4 days since I attended my graduation and 3 days since I left the metropolis. Back at work and back to my life, I reflect on the 3 days I spent in the metropolis.

As expected the graduation was what I imagined it to be. A room filled with young graduates, ready to move on to the next leg of their lives. To summarize the graduation, I’d say that it was a simple affair done properly. Nothing outstanding about it nor nothing to complain about as well. I was pretty happy with the proceedings that morning.

Even though the graduation should have been the highlight of my trip, it was not. The culture within the metropolis was the highlight of my trip. When I arrived at this metropolis, the first thing I noticed was how grey the sky looked. It was somewhat quite surreal, as if someone had placed a grey filter over my eyes. Everything looked muddy and hazy.

I could not see the sky.

Being born and raised in a small town, I was geographically isolated from the full influence of our capital. Due to that, I’ve always questioned the government’s policies as to the reason of their implementation. It always seemed to me that whatever they announced did not make sense to me and seemed more like a hindrance than anything else.

However, when in Rome, do as what the Romans do. By being in the heart of the capital, I saw the reasons and the cause. I saw the epidemic and the horror. I now understood the reasons for the actions taken by the old men in power.

Before I start, I’ve seen a lot of corrupted imagery in my dark years. I still possess remnants of my old corrupted mind. One would think that nothing could ever shock me but yet when I was on the ground, I felt sick to the bones. What could have made me so horrified? What could have made this sick, old, jaded fool concerned? Especially when it’s their plight and not his?

Smoking.

Smoking at a level in which I’ve never seen. Even after living abroad and experiencing a much more alien culture than my own, I am shocked at the extremes of the alien-ness exhibited by my own countrymen. I saw kids smoking. Little girls smoking. Little boys smoking. Smoking in places where I expected no smoking. Beautiful people smoking. Old men smoking. Smoke was the only thing I saw coming out from their mouths. Almost everyone I saw had smoke coming out of their mouths.

Was this the reason as to why the sky was so grey?
Of course not, but if it were, that would be too horrific to accept, even for me.

Ironically just a few hours prior, I was laughing at the government’s new anti-tobacco law, in which when it goes into affect, will outlaw the sale of cigarettes in packs, forcing smokers to purchase in the cartons. I laughed because hell, if there’s a will, there’s a way. Though it might stop kids from smoking, adult smokers will always cave in and just adapt in order to satiate their cravings. I should know. I have adapted to their policies as well.

Why? Because I will freely admit, I too am a smoker. I am not proud of the fact that I’m one nor would I encourage anyone to take up this “hobby”. There’s enough anti-smoking propaganda going about everywhere so I’m confident that they’d do a better job at deterrence than my little post here.

Now think about it.

Most people are disgusted by the presence of just one smoker within the proximity of their breathing space. If you factor in another smoker, it becomes almost unbearable.

Now picture this.

Imagine that in every 10 people you see, no matter where you go, 5 of them are smokers with smoke billowing out of their mouths. Kind of reminds me of those old coal factories, with the smoke rising out to the heavens above. So what do you do when you are stuck in the middle of all of this?

Well in reality, almost nothing. There’s nothing much one can do except to just slog it through and pray that the air you breathe in isn’t contaminated. How does one expect to live in such a hostile environment when every breath you take in necessity may become the contributor to your future demise?

In summary, I’d akin the whole experience as being in an apocalyptic city, filled with beautiful, young, alienated people with smoke flowing out of their mouths, who are surrounded by urban decay no matter where I go.

Glad fully, I left. I could feel my lungs thanking me as I boarded the plane home. I made a hasty escape from this alien world which in reality was the heart and soul of my nation. On a side note, I was actually offered an opportunity to work with an organization based at the heart of my nation’s capital.

I’m sure you know what my answer was.

Thank god I live in a village.

In summary, the past 2 weeks have been insane.

I’ve experienced quite a few major incidents within my personal life which ultimately makes me wonder as to what the hell is going on. What have the gods in store for me to encounter all these weird events?

Yet, I dont blame them, for I was the one who instigated them to start with.

I finally broke the silence between me and the girl of my dreams. Yet now I wonder if it has ended as abruptly as it started. Heck, I even took a day off from work on Monday just to accompany her online via webcam during the wee wee hours of the morning.

As much as those 5 hours were worth to me, it still hasnt unveiled any answers as to where I stand with her. It may have been a mere chat but certain bits and details within the conversation itself has caused me to wonder as to what she was thinking.

I find it surprising after all this time, I still care for her the way I do. The chat I had with her reminded me how much I still care for her. It had that feeling of nostalgia, to be honest. Akin to the time when I was a studnet overseas, just chatting with her online or via the telephone. We would then talk about our problems, our life and our future dreams.

It was definitely one of the most beautiful moments in my life, to actually think that there was indeed someone for me in this world, after going through quite a bit of hardships in my life. Though after listening to her side of her story, it is plain and obvious to see that she’s been a lot worse than me, yet she has the strength to overcome those adversities. I’ve never met someone who could inspire and stir me in such a way before.

After listening to her story, I love her even more, for she does not deserve to go through that pain. She is someone I want to treasure for the rest of my life.

I cannot let her go, never. I could never forget this girl whom I think is the most spectacular of all girls I’ve ever met. So spectacular that it almost scares me that I see so much of me in her, based on her confirming facts and theories I have long concluded about her.

Interestingly, as to why I am able to conclude those facts was because I have been through more or less the same experience, as she did, as a child. It takes one to know another and it was extremely surprising that I actually met someone like this whom I love so dearly.

In the chat itself, she probably was as curious as I was as to what was going on with my life as I was with hers. For 5 hours, I just chatted with her online for the sake of giving her company. She has some insecurities and I was glad that I was there to alleviate some of them that night.

I cannot help but think that she knew what I was feeling at the time, for my actions spoke for themselves, not needing any true explanation. Why would any sane man spend 5 hours online on a twilight Sunday just chatting and more or less doing nothing much for the sake of one girl?

I am still in love with her and I dont care how accursed it maybe to others for clinging on for so long, on someone that from my understanding, many have written off as someone they’ve abandoned.

For the last 6 months, life has been cruel to her. For it was cruel not of her own doing but the doing of others. Facts have be misconstrued. I cannot for the life of myself believe the rumours and gossip that goes about concerning her life. I dont believe that she’s that sort of person, as to what I’ve been told by those who “heard”. I know her and understand her, she would never do such things as they say.

Fuck them who say she does. They dont fucking understand her and have no right to criticize her. Fucking cunts is all I’ll say to them now. For if they decide to turn her into an enemy, they should know that they would also become enemies with me as well.

Yet as much as I can say all of this, I cannot tell her all of this. She might close up once more, not wanting me to get involved in it or maybe because this is an issue she doesnt even care to start with. She’s strong. Too strong. This strength she has is incredible.

I’ve never been impressed with many people I meet but she has hands down took my complete vote for her. I could never betray her and would gladly throw my life down for her if it were necessary to save her.

I guess I did it once when I decided to abandon my plans overseas, when I came back to just tell her how I felt. A move I sometimes question but I deem as completely necessary. I guess I did it again when she wanted me to give her space and not be a hindrance in her life, a move I did because she was in the process of completing her studies.

For all these sacrifices I have made, I need to keep her in my mind for if I dont, then all of this would have been in vain, a total insult to my actions and decisions I so surely took.

I guess by doing all of this, I had secretly hoped that these actions would give me the right to be with her, in the eyes of god. I will fight to the end if I have to, just for that final moment when she too says the same three words I said to her on that very night of my suicide.

Right now, I want to see her so bad and want to be the one to give her a hug and a shoulder to cry on. I want to look into her eyes, to see those sparkling and inquisitive eyes. I want to see her smile once more and to hear the sound of her laughter. I miss looking at that perfectly beautiful face that makes me feel so at peace with the world. I want to see the nuances of her gestures, which makes her even more unique. I want her so bad that I am starting to wonder if I am truly going insane.

I want her to have all the best in life and also the happiness in which she dreams of. I may not be able to give her all that she wants now but this is what I’ve been doing for the better part of the last 6 months. I want to be the man she dreams of. The man who’ll come and save her on his great stallion, whisking her away from all the troubles that trail her, to a faraway place in which we can be happy, enjoying the comforts of life and loving one another. It may not happen overnight, nor even in the months ahead but eventually, one day, I’ll be that Knight in Shinning armour.

I sound so idealistically childish now but what can I say? I’ve become so hard in the years before meeting her and I guess it was about time these repressed feelings were released.

I pray to god for the hope that I still have a chance with her. I want to be with her for the remainder of my life. I want to share her joys and sadness. I want to be the father of her beautiful children and love them as much I love her.

In the past 2 weeks, I reconciled with my best friend. In the past 2 weeks, I had been without work for most of superiors have been on leave. In the past 2 weeks I had the wonderful opportunity of being interviewed by a company, for the possibility of a position within their organization. In the past 2 weeks, I made out with a girl but couldnt bring myself to do it in the end.

Yes, I made out with a girl. I did it because I wanted to forget. I did it because I have been completely unloved for so long. I did it because I lusted for it.

As good as some may think it is, when I started kissing her and touching her, what came into my mind after awhile was the girl I loved so much. Subconciously, I was thinking that I was making out with the girl I loved. After awhile after that, I stopped, knowing that if I had continued on, I would have probably hurt not only the girl I loved but including the girl I was making out with. Ultimately in the end, I felt totally guilty and felt so stupid that I did such a thing. I also concluded that I was also hurting myself, stooping so low to such a point of sexual lust.

I apologized to her and told her how I felt. She understood what I was going through and said not to worry, for in a way, she too was feeling the same way, for the both of us were lonely hearts, chained to a past or future in which we are both fighting for.

Love and lust. Most people think it is utter nonsense but I believe why they think is so is mainly because they have never been in love.

I am in love with the girl of my dreams and will forever love her, no matter how much she may inadvertantly do in hurting me.

What a way to end the year, dont you think?
A lot of movement, a lot unresolved.

Please god, even if I have done you injustice all this while, even though I dont truly believe in you anymore but I beg of you please to grant me the chance to love this girl I love so completely, for I know that if I do, I will surely be happy for the rest of my life, content and thankful for every single day I have with her. I will take good care of her as if she were a part of my body and I’ll never betray her trust even at the most tempting of situations. I will protect her and lay my life down for her. I will always be there for her no matter how illogical it maybe. I will, and all this I promise to you. For if I dont, then smite me down now for I dont know what else I can live for anymore, if she isnt with me.

One day, she’ll probably read this and for all that I know, she would be shocked. If said all of this to her now, she’d probably run off again. I dont want her to go. I miss her everyday. Her name never leaves my mind during the day, even in my dreams.

I’ll get that horse and I will save you. I’ll be that knight in shining armour. I’ll be the man you’ve always dreamt about. I’ll be the one to sacrifice whatever that is needed for your happiness. I will do it. I must do it. Not only for you but also for myself for there’s nothing in my life if I dont have you.

I love you.

2 weeks has come to pass and there hasnt been an update from me.

In the 2 weeks I had, a lot of things had happened to me and from a very odd point of view, I find that I am not what I am anymore. There’s a lot in my mind concerning the events that has occurred to me of the late but I’ll save them for another day, providing a much in-depth look into them when time allows. With that, let’s continue on with something else that’s on my mind.

Today I received something quite odd, something that I’ve not seen in many years. I received a Christmas card via the post.

To the many and to those who are probably reading this, you maybe going like “Yeah, so what?”. However to me, this was the first Christmas card I’ve received in a very, very long time. A card in which it felt sincere and without any hidden agendas. A friendly gesture from a friend I am guilty for not spending enough time with. I was somewhat touched to know that someone did bother to remember me and even took the effort in sending me a “real” christmas card.

Yet in essence, I do feel somewhat empty and that feeling has seemings intensified of the late. As we all draw closer and closer to Christmas, I guess everyone is looking forward to spending time with their family and loved one’s.

As for me, Christmas of the past 2 years have been painful and sad for me. Ignore it as I try yet in the end, I do feel the effects. Realizing that the things that matters to me has ceased to exist in my life. I always feel pained during this period of the year to be honest.

Christmas when not looked upon from a religious point of view has one basic theme to it. It’s love. Love either in terms of familial, friends or even strangers has never been a lot more true during Christmas than any other time in a year.

I’m probably feeling a lot more sadden by the fact that the one whom I love loved Christmas time the most. I remember her saying that Christmas was the only time in a year where everyone is nice to everyone else. Upon hearing this, I was surprised to hear such a thing from such a loving creature as herself. That remark made me wonder about her past. What happened to her in the past to make such a statement to start with? To me, it sounded very pessimistic and sad. It sounded like she wanted to be loved and Christmas time was the only time she could ever have it.

Well, at least she gets to have some form of Christmas with loved one’s. All I am getting out of all of Christmas is the same feeling of isolation and loneliness. No one to love, no one that loves me, nothing magical or special. Everyday feels the same to me and all I can see in the following weeks is the paycheck I get during every month. The Spirit of Christmas eludes me.

As much as I sound pretty pessimistic towards this whole event, I am feeling just fine. I choose not to think about it and hopefully, not be antagonized by it too much.

What will I do during Christmas then? Who knows what I’ll do. With all the kindness and compassion around me during that period, I find it even harder to trust anyone, fear that their trust might stem from pity and some sort of superiority complex.

Yet, I cant help but get caught up in the spirit of Christmas, in hopes that miracles and wishes do come true.

Hypothetically, what would I want for Christmas?

All I want for Christmas would be simple. I would like a peace of mind, like the same sort of peace I had 2 years prior during the happiness moment in my life.

She was my happiness.

Merry Christmas and God bless.