In summary, the past 2 weeks have been insane.
I’ve experienced quite a few major incidents within my personal life which ultimately makes me wonder as to what the hell is going on. What have the gods in store for me to encounter all these weird events?
Yet, I dont blame them, for I was the one who instigated them to start with.
I finally broke the silence between me and the girl of my dreams. Yet now I wonder if it has ended as abruptly as it started. Heck, I even took a day off from work on Monday just to accompany her online via webcam during the wee wee hours of the morning.
As much as those 5 hours were worth to me, it still hasnt unveiled any answers as to where I stand with her. It may have been a mere chat but certain bits and details within the conversation itself has caused me to wonder as to what she was thinking.
I find it surprising after all this time, I still care for her the way I do. The chat I had with her reminded me how much I still care for her. It had that feeling of nostalgia, to be honest. Akin to the time when I was a studnet overseas, just chatting with her online or via the telephone. We would then talk about our problems, our life and our future dreams.
It was definitely one of the most beautiful moments in my life, to actually think that there was indeed someone for me in this world, after going through quite a bit of hardships in my life. Though after listening to her side of her story, it is plain and obvious to see that she’s been a lot worse than me, yet she has the strength to overcome those adversities. I’ve never met someone who could inspire and stir me in such a way before.
After listening to her story, I love her even more, for she does not deserve to go through that pain. She is someone I want to treasure for the rest of my life.
I cannot let her go, never. I could never forget this girl whom I think is the most spectacular of all girls I’ve ever met. So spectacular that it almost scares me that I see so much of me in her, based on her confirming facts and theories I have long concluded about her.
Interestingly, as to why I am able to conclude those facts was because I have been through more or less the same experience, as she did, as a child. It takes one to know another and it was extremely surprising that I actually met someone like this whom I love so dearly.
In the chat itself, she probably was as curious as I was as to what was going on with my life as I was with hers. For 5 hours, I just chatted with her online for the sake of giving her company. She has some insecurities and I was glad that I was there to alleviate some of them that night.
I cannot help but think that she knew what I was feeling at the time, for my actions spoke for themselves, not needing any true explanation. Why would any sane man spend 5 hours online on a twilight Sunday just chatting and more or less doing nothing much for the sake of one girl?
I am still in love with her and I dont care how accursed it maybe to others for clinging on for so long, on someone that from my understanding, many have written off as someone they’ve abandoned.
For the last 6 months, life has been cruel to her. For it was cruel not of her own doing but the doing of others. Facts have be misconstrued. I cannot for the life of myself believe the rumours and gossip that goes about concerning her life. I dont believe that she’s that sort of person, as to what I’ve been told by those who “heard”. I know her and understand her, she would never do such things as they say.
Fuck them who say she does. They dont fucking understand her and have no right to criticize her. Fucking cunts is all I’ll say to them now. For if they decide to turn her into an enemy, they should know that they would also become enemies with me as well.
Yet as much as I can say all of this, I cannot tell her all of this. She might close up once more, not wanting me to get involved in it or maybe because this is an issue she doesnt even care to start with. She’s strong. Too strong. This strength she has is incredible.
I’ve never been impressed with many people I meet but she has hands down took my complete vote for her. I could never betray her and would gladly throw my life down for her if it were necessary to save her.
I guess I did it once when I decided to abandon my plans overseas, when I came back to just tell her how I felt. A move I sometimes question but I deem as completely necessary. I guess I did it again when she wanted me to give her space and not be a hindrance in her life, a move I did because she was in the process of completing her studies.
For all these sacrifices I have made, I need to keep her in my mind for if I dont, then all of this would have been in vain, a total insult to my actions and decisions I so surely took.
I guess by doing all of this, I had secretly hoped that these actions would give me the right to be with her, in the eyes of god. I will fight to the end if I have to, just for that final moment when she too says the same three words I said to her on that very night of my suicide.
Right now, I want to see her so bad and want to be the one to give her a hug and a shoulder to cry on. I want to look into her eyes, to see those sparkling and inquisitive eyes. I want to see her smile once more and to hear the sound of her laughter. I miss looking at that perfectly beautiful face that makes me feel so at peace with the world. I want to see the nuances of her gestures, which makes her even more unique. I want her so bad that I am starting to wonder if I am truly going insane.
I want her to have all the best in life and also the happiness in which she dreams of. I may not be able to give her all that she wants now but this is what I’ve been doing for the better part of the last 6 months. I want to be the man she dreams of. The man who’ll come and save her on his great stallion, whisking her away from all the troubles that trail her, to a faraway place in which we can be happy, enjoying the comforts of life and loving one another. It may not happen overnight, nor even in the months ahead but eventually, one day, I’ll be that Knight in Shinning armour.
I sound so idealistically childish now but what can I say? I’ve become so hard in the years before meeting her and I guess it was about time these repressed feelings were released.
I pray to god for the hope that I still have a chance with her. I want to be with her for the remainder of my life. I want to share her joys and sadness. I want to be the father of her beautiful children and love them as much I love her.
In the past 2 weeks, I reconciled with my best friend. In the past 2 weeks, I had been without work for most of superiors have been on leave. In the past 2 weeks I had the wonderful opportunity of being interviewed by a company, for the possibility of a position within their organization. In the past 2 weeks, I made out with a girl but couldnt bring myself to do it in the end.
Yes, I made out with a girl. I did it because I wanted to forget. I did it because I have been completely unloved for so long. I did it because I lusted for it.
As good as some may think it is, when I started kissing her and touching her, what came into my mind after awhile was the girl I loved so much. Subconciously, I was thinking that I was making out with the girl I loved. After awhile after that, I stopped, knowing that if I had continued on, I would have probably hurt not only the girl I loved but including the girl I was making out with. Ultimately in the end, I felt totally guilty and felt so stupid that I did such a thing. I also concluded that I was also hurting myself, stooping so low to such a point of sexual lust.
I apologized to her and told her how I felt. She understood what I was going through and said not to worry, for in a way, she too was feeling the same way, for the both of us were lonely hearts, chained to a past or future in which we are both fighting for.
Love and lust. Most people think it is utter nonsense but I believe why they think is so is mainly because they have never been in love.
I am in love with the girl of my dreams and will forever love her, no matter how much she may inadvertantly do in hurting me.
What a way to end the year, dont you think?
A lot of movement, a lot unresolved.
Please god, even if I have done you injustice all this while, even though I dont truly believe in you anymore but I beg of you please to grant me the chance to love this girl I love so completely, for I know that if I do, I will surely be happy for the rest of my life, content and thankful for every single day I have with her. I will take good care of her as if she were a part of my body and I’ll never betray her trust even at the most tempting of situations. I will protect her and lay my life down for her. I will always be there for her no matter how illogical it maybe. I will, and all this I promise to you. For if I dont, then smite me down now for I dont know what else I can live for anymore, if she isnt with me.
One day, she’ll probably read this and for all that I know, she would be shocked. If said all of this to her now, she’d probably run off again. I dont want her to go. I miss her everyday. Her name never leaves my mind during the day, even in my dreams.
I’ll get that horse and I will save you. I’ll be that knight in shining armour. I’ll be the man you’ve always dreamt about. I’ll be the one to sacrifice whatever that is needed for your happiness. I will do it. I must do it. Not only for you but also for myself for there’s nothing in my life if I dont have you.
I love you.