I’ve been reviewing some of my older posts from my previous wordpress.com blog and have decided to share some of the most personal and depressing writings I’ve ever made.

I know that it was strange for me to write all those posts over the years but reading them now…I must say…I was pretty demented…Compelling…but just kind of sad.

However, the true reason I’ve decided to un-private them is simply because I love the writing styles in each of the posts. I am amazed at the raw quality and the way the text flows as those posts were truly just flowing out of my mind and on to this digital medium.

To somewhat quote someone who had requested me to do this all this years, yeah, I’ve ironically created a Journal, albeit being far too late for anyone to care.

I’m so looking forward to seeing what else I come up with in the coming months. =)

Another post in which the picture above has no relation to the content below. In actual fact, this image was reserved for another post I was to make but hey, I like hamburgers.

Before I get side-tracked, I must state my stance on this matter.

I’ve become disillusioned with the idea of falling in love with a woman and have no interest in pursuing any forms of relations with them for I see no great benefit from such efforts.

With that said and done, I believe I must now continue on with this post, elaborating on the topic itself, in efforts to flesh out my reasoning for it.

The cuter they are, the more malicious their intent.

I know some of you readers may interpret this as odd but ask any guy that has ever tried pursuing a “cute” girl and they’ll probably tell you the same. In all honesty, I have pursued so many of these type of women and as a jaded and bitter person, they are not worth the time in effort.

I have had my string of encounters with these sort of women and start to wonder if I am a morbid sadist that’s very keen on inflicting pain upon myself when placed in such scenarios. I’ve decided to remind myself of all the pointless and wasted times in life that have been spent on these miscreants that I should have not been bothered with.

Let’s start with my own psychology. I am naive. Yes, I am indeed truly naive when it comes to the matters of the heart. I am the sort of guy who still believes in old-fashioned values of chivalry, honor and respect. I also believed that even though one may not be the most presentable or “refined” in terms of presentation, one’s true heart will be enough to win her over.

Sad to say, as many of you will surely not find this surprising, these sort of qualities have no meaning in this world of ours. The more you behave in the above manner, the more likely it will be that you will not be able to win their heart.

Though many women wished they could find a man that were their Prince Charming or their Knight in Shining Amour, which makes me wonder as to the attraction of human beings towards shiny, glittering objects but that’s besides the point. The point here is, women dont even know what they want and just belch out the superlatives because they wished they could but know they cannot.

Reasons as to why they cant is simply because, these sort of men do not exist in their eyes. It would be like the equivalent of me saying that I wanted to marry someone like Nicole Kidman and the like. Those who do not meet the criteria are just crap and are those who should be toyed with emotionally.

Much like dangling a carrot in front of a donkey and cajoling it to try its best in getting it even though you know that the donkey has no chance in hell in getting it but is amused by its futile efforts.

I’ve met women like this before. I’ve seen how some of them ended up further down in life as well. Heck, I had feelings for them at one point as well, feelings that I did clearly state to them. So what happened to those whom I had known in bygone times?

From what I could see, many married because they felt that it was the right thing to do at the present time they were at. When I say right, it doesnt mean that they got married because they were madly in love with their spouses, no, no, no. On the contrary, they got married because they knew that if they did not, they would never again have the chance to do so as they got older.

I dont think I have to explain what I’ve said in the above but it is true, dont you think? In Japan, if a woman is not married by the age of 25, the odds of her being married drops to almost nil. The only solution for them would be either to marry a foreigner or just marry the nearest loser that they can get grubby their mitts on.

Ask any married couple if they truly did marry the one’s they truly love and I am sure that some of them would tell you that they wished that they were married to someone else but could not due to some “circumstances”.

I’ve seen this happen and can imagine the reasoning behind their interesting logic for marriage. I can assure you that I am not lying when I say this. I used to think I could fight such a possibility and not have it happen to me but then again, why fight something that doesnt exist, correct?

Rather than deal with all this nonsense, I have decided not to even consider such a thing, marriage, dating, having sexual affairs and what not. It just isnt worth it anymore to have my own beliefs and feelings stomped and crushed by these so-called “Princesses in life” that are too selfish or even too silly to make up their own damned mind in what they want.

There are also women who claim that they never want to get married. Heh, I know of one who did end up getting married even though she claimed she would not ever do so. I believe now that the women who say that they would never consider marriage are the one’s who are the desperate one’s.

They are the one’s who are the most confused and the most stubborn. They are the one’s who are in desperate need for a relationship but cannot commit to one because they are waiting for the most perfect relationship, which I am sad to say, doesnt exist at all.

I too have had this mentality myself and am probably going to be branded as a hypocrite but I have my own reasons as to why I do not want to pursue a relationship at this stage. I’ve spent too much of my life trying to meet the challenges posed by these women and have lost too much of myself in the process. I’ve become frustrated and angered by the reponses and behaviours I see from them.

Picture yourself smiling and trying to act your best as the object of your affection goes about flirting with every man in the room and totally puts you aside. It isnt as if you both dont know each other but she is doing this purposely just to smite you and to test your reactions to see how worthy you are. Even if you pass, she will probably think of another reason as to why she cannot commit to you. I am probably guessing that she wouldnt simply because you dont have nice hair or dont wear pink polo stripped shirts.

Women who test men like this should just, in all honesty, just fucking die.

In other words, I fucking hate women at this point. Though they are some whom I am very close to and am happily sharing my life with, those whom I try my best to share with and try to win their trust ultimately just disappoint me to no end.

To those women who understand and have experienced breaking countless of hearts just because you were so scared and worried about losing your virginity to some hagged looking perv, all I can say is, grow up.

Just fucking grow up already.

Not all men are looking for a quick lay or the glorious victory of stealing your chasity! Why do you all always end up with the men whom you just find superficially appealing and ignore the one’s who are truly making an effort in understanding you? Ignoring the one’s who are truly concerned with you as a person and not some kind of fuck trophy?

Have you women ever thought of that?

Are all women so keenly interested in good looks and nice hair only? Is this your criteria for choosing your suitable mate? Is this the sad reality of the world in which I inhabit?

Can you even imagine the pure illogicalness of that? It is equivalent to me saying that I am dating this girl simply because she has big boobs and a tight ass as well as the all important ‘good fuck’.

Isnt that illogical? Doesnt that just sounds so wrong?

Whatever happened in trying to truly know someone so deep and so true that everything else did not really matter? Does this only exist in fairy tales?

I pray not.

I pray not.

I pray that if it is true, I will truly commit to not get married anymore. I cannot accept this sort of reality and the idea of being with someone whom I know is not 100% faithful to me.

Those who fail to commit, are those who are doomed to fail.

Then again, I have not been interested in women in such a long time I start to wonder if I too have become a wee bit abnormal in this respect.

Oh yeah, another tid-bit about me that I am sure that all these women never even bothered to ask about me.

I too play a fucking musical instrument. I play the guitar, more specifically, I play classical and acoustic. Heck, I too actually had a band when I was younger. I too have made songs with my cheesy little band. I too was quite proficient with playing the drums at one point in my life. I too actually sang for the bloody songs I played with my band.

Does this make me look better in your book?

I guess not. Why? I am starting to wonder if it is because I am not fashionable or wear pink, as I’ve stated earlier or god forbid, do not have chicken hair.

Then again, I why should I even care at this point?

Easy, for the cuter they are, the more malicious their intent.

Maybe I should start categorizing these sorts of women and analyze their deficiencies. Who knows? Maybe I will then indeed find the answers I’ve been looking for and in hopes of not repeating these mistakes I have made so many times.

Another bit about me that I am sure many of you who know me well will find surprising. I too had been in love and in a relationship with someone at one point in my life. As short as it was, I find that I have had a lot more happier memories about her than all these other women whom I’ve met. She was honest with me and she truly did care about my well-being. It was quite an odd relationship but then again, after suffering for so long, it was indeed a remarkable experience to actually feel someone actually give a damn.

We both learnt a lot about one another and even though we had to part at one point, we remain true friends that I wouldnt trade for anything in this god forsaken world.

I miss her greatly but I know I cannot put my heart into truly spending my life with her. She understands this as well, seeing that we were both indeed from totally different worlds. The only thing that kept us together, from what I could gather now was just communication and just being there for one another.

As for who she is, I doubt anyone of you guys know her and trust me, you dont.

To be honest, I now feel kind of poignant and a wee bit amused here when I think about it…

I wonder why….

I guess that’s all for me to find out.

Anyhow, peace out folks and all the best to all your future endeavors! =P

Note: I was originally planning to review the movie 2046 in this post but in the end, I decided to write this. For those who arent interested in extreme ramblings, please do not read it for I cannot guarantee your sanity at the end. I typed this one in one continuous go and I couldnt be bothered to present it in a form that is readable to anyone.

This post isnt important. I am just exorcising my inner demons. I had to get it out of my system.

Then I realize that the only reason as to why I had loved her was simply because she was child-like.

It scares me to think that the only reason as to why I had fallen for her so much was because of this fact alone. I do admit that my inner-child is probably bitter and hurt from all the atrocities I’ve seen in life but to know now that I only seek these child-like behaviors in women truly are a recipe for disaster.

In comparison to my current attitude towards life and the attitude of the girl I had loved, it totally contradicts one another. My viewpoints cannot be applied to her as well as her’s to me. I guess that the only outcome if a true relationship ever did materialize would have just been quite painful to say the least.

As much as I would have worked my ass off in ensuring the success of the whole thing, one must wonder if it is even possible to make such a relationship work considering the fact that the 2 involved are just polar opposites of one another.

Then again, I would have only worked hard on it if I saw a possibility that it would have worked out in the end. Remember folks, I had tried so hard. I tried so hard that my friends, or whatever was left of them at the time, were concerned about my mental state.

This was one of the first time I had ever conceded a defeat. This was the first true defeat that I knew that no matter how much time I spent on it, nothing will change. It was beyond my control. I had suffered other defeats in life, no doubt, but at least those losses were acceptable and understandable to the reasons of the defeat. This one on the other hand, truly made no sense to me.

It didnt make sense at all.

“Doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results is madness!”

Maybe that’s why I had done what I did a month ago. My reasoning was simple actually. It could get better or it could get worse. Nothing doing anything would probably result in it slowing collapsing. I decided to go for the ‘everything or nothing’ route.

Though I had known that it was highly likely that she’d ‘let me go’ but still, I knew I had to do something. Based on the situation back then, had I not done anything, the relationship would have severely deteriorated to a point that I could not accept. Then again it probably did deteriorate, way back in June, even before she had left.

I hate her for doing that. She did admit at one point that she was purposefully ignoring me because “we were getting too close”. Oh gee willikers! Could it be that she did share the same feelings that I had? Yeah, that makes a lot of sense doesnt it?

Fall in love with someone and once you realize that, ditch them completely even before it starts!

Amazing. It is just amazing isnt it?

I am not laughing. Should I?

I wished I was born a lot more dishonest sometimes. I was so honest it probably killed the mystery and the romance. Being kind to another person with sincere intentions is usually met with disgust and horror.

Then again, I had wished that I was born without a true heart that was capable of loving anyone. I have been hurt and scabbed so many times from all sorts of women. Yeah, I dont have a good history with women as it would seem. Those that I seek as lovers tend to just turn out to be people who hurt me so much in the end.

Wait a minute. They never did hurt me. They never did actually.

Only this one did. Now how is that even possible?

I dont know.

Answers to such questions tend to be extremely complicated. I was probably hyping up myself so much up to a point that when it ended, all my hopes and dreams that were placed into it totally disintegrated into nothingness.

I guess losing her was a bad move on my part. Still I am sure that in the long run, I would have never ended up with her anyway. We would have gone onto another stage of the relationship in which we’d be good friends, never possible for her to view me as a lover. And that my friends kills any man. Not being able to have something that is so close and within your grasp.

So close, yet so far syndrome as I call it. To see her fall in love with another man and to listen to her spew to you the wonders of him. To be her shoulder to cry on and a kind heart to cheer her up. You tell her not to go back to him. You know in your heart that you wish she was yours but you stupidly cheer for her to get back with him. Only to see her get hurt again and again. Over those stupid jackasses that cannot appreciate the true beauty that you see in her.

What happens in the long run? After years have gone by and you both still maintain this ‘friendship’? She marries someone else and you are tossed aside. You then get totally chucked out of her life. She’s happy with her life and she couldnt give a two-shits about yours. Her only main concern is this fact alone; she has found her lover, her provider, her husband. You on the other hand is just a friend, a good friend I might add. A friend that still loves her but forever and eternally in her eyes, just a fucking friend.

Unrequitted love at its best.

So what happens to you in the end? You end up bitter and sad knowing that all your efforts have been in vain. Being committed to one person alone is not considered by her as quality to have.

I’ve experienced something similiar to this before, that’s why I can say this.

I had experienced this from the first girl I ever had feelings for. Yet my feelings for her had died down pretty quickly after the relationship had ended. I think of her as a special friend, someone who I can talk about the most fucked up things about me and not be judged. She’s special to me but I dont love her.

Thank god I didnt fall into the trap above and turned into somekind of fucking emotional-pillow.

I am worried about those who are currently in this sort of situation, ‘I want to be your friend and I hope one day you’ll love me as much as I love you’ situation. I pity them and pray to god that they one day see the light.

I guess the only relationships I’ve been involved with are technically, ‘childish endeavors’. I guess I have not seen the sort of adult love that leads to marriages just yet.

I have prospects with girls that are ‘adult’. Sad thing is, none of them interest me. They dont excite nor intrigue me. In a way, I am disappointed to no end. Hence my bachelorhood. Hence my bitterness towards falling in love. Hence this stupid and useless post talking about burnt out feelings that should just die and never come back again.

Yeah, it should just die cause no one really gives a shit. Would you?

She was right actually. I am indeed angry with myself for letting this go on for so long. You were right you know…As much as I dont want to admit it…You were so right.

Thanks for listening to my disappointments in life. You know who you are.

You know something?

I’ve been meaning to post 3 entries tonight but it seemed to have slipped my mind. I am writing this entry at 5:02 in the morning which I am sure many of you know as to what that means.

Yes, oh yes, I have insomnia. Again.

Yet let’s be honest with ourselves here. Those who have been following my entries and those who know me well know of my inane ability of ‘over-processing’ information within my Cerebral Cortex. Due to this over-processing, I am sure many of you would easily have surmised that I am probably thinking too much over matters that need not be thought upon. Then again, it could have been too much Sudoku which caused my hyper brain activity.

I will make a confession and I dont see why I should not. I am writing this entry to start with, so that should say a lot about my intentions anyway.

I was thinking about her.

I know, I know. It is like trying to beat some sense into a dead horse in terms of repetitious behaviour but seriously, I thought about how she was. I was wondering how her life was and how she was faring with life over there. She’s doing her Master’s now and I am sure she is probably going through a heavy workload not to mention the stress associated with these sort of things.

I have also wondered as to what photographs she shot. The crazy eyes she has for the weirdest of subjects and compositions. In all honesty, I hope she did find that freelance photographer post she was oh so looking forward to before she left. I can picture it already the sort of things she’d shoot. She has always expressed an interest in the humanities, so I am sure many of her shots are probably shots of her friends and portions of her life.

I also wondered if she was happy with her life there and hope that she is smiling as ever brightly as I remember. I hope that the hurt I’ve done to her was the last traumatic event that she has undergone. I am sure that all her friends probably hate my guts and had helped console her through her sadness. Still, I know she’s happy. She has always been a happy and cheerful person.

There were too some thoughts in my mind if she had found a new love over there. These thoughts were probably the most awkward to me. I shouldnt elaborate too much on what I had thought but as much as I feel a tinge of jealousy in me, I know I should not. I am out of her life and if she did finally find someone whom she loves so dearly in her life, then more power to her.

It is kind of strange that everytime something reminds me of her, I just smile. A secret smile that I dont show to those around me and trust me, a lot of things remind me of her. A lot of things. You’d be surprised as to what those things are.

She must be happy. I want her to be happy. I…

…am a jackass for talking about her as if we were still together, right?

=)

I miss her. I will cheer for her quietly and will continue to wish her luck. I have to do this. I know that at the very least, all I remember of her now are of the good and ‘interesting’ memories. I will not dwell on the cruelties I’ve done to her, nor will I over-analyze the cruelties of her behaviour towards me as well.

For what little that is left to even remember, I should at the very least not be sadden by my loss of her. I still believe that she is the standard in which all women that I know must meet if they are to win my heart. Trust me when I say that there are those who would want me for their lover but I choose not to. For they can never erase the beauty and the perfection I had seen in that girl.

A beautiful woman that to me is what I term as timeless. Come to think of it, she has this very sentimental outlook on her as it would seem. Much like women in the old days, during a time of great innocence and integrity.

My grasp was too harsh,
I had crushed the rose,
I had not intended yet I did,
My flesh was ripped, thorned apart.

That beautiful girl that I so miss…

I better shut up now. Yet there is one more problem…I still cant sleep.

I must live in another dimension, eh?

I am all alone in this world. In so many levels I feel that I never really lived a life here in this little town. People who I care for and those who were close to me seem so alien now. I guess that’s why I look the way I look now.

I feel tired, so very tired.

Yet I know that everything changes, no matter how insignificant it is to the casual observer during the moment of its occurrence. I’ve noticed that I am slowly losing interest in people around me. Wait, let me re-phrase that. I’ve already lost interest with my old group of friends. I don’t think it is their fault at all that this happened.

I’ve changed too much and am probably at a different path in life than where my friends are. It is good in one way but ultimately, it just makes me feel a lot more worn out with each passing encounter.

I tried to improve the situation, I know I did. Yet I do understand that it’ll be awhile before they understand my point of view and expectations in life. I listen intently to what they say. Heck, I offer actual constructive criticism rather than not advise them in the matter.

I know I am pushy, arrogant and am quite an egoist. This persona I have is a complete 180 of my previous behavior. That childish and sensitive persona in which no one really likes, to which I had shed.

I know I lost a lot of things in life. No, no. I haven’t lost a single thing actually. I probably have grown out of what used to be my comfort zone. Things that used to excite me last time don’t make me feel the same way now. I grow bored and annoyed with the things I experience and see around me. I am not amazed nor find that what I am hearing around me as neither interesting nor useful.

I want a new life. Thank the gods that it will happen soon.

I am shipping out next month. I want to live again. I want to feel that lost feeling of happiness I had experienced a long time ago. I want to live my life in happiness and with people I truly care.

I want that so much…

I am a sad, bitter and lonely person, much to the contrary of many. Though I am seemingly social and have a good number of friends, I’ve always felt alone. I never felt like I was really living the life that I want. I guess this is true ever since I came back from Australia. It always felt as if something was missing.

I miss the guys who I used to hang out with in Australia. Heck, I actually miss that life.

I should know better by now that I shouldn’t dwell upon it but your memories in life are what will sustain you through your old and final days. True isn’t it? It is natural for one to fall back upon one’s old the comfort zone, during a time when everything in the world was just perfect.

No regrets…No regrets…Damn you, Alastair…Damn you…I wished I was as strong as you…

I thought I could come back without any regrets but all I can see now in the past 2 years was my slow decline.

I have money.
I have a great career.
I have a great future.
I have the flexibility in which to pursue almost anything.
I have made friends with people that I wished I could be with forever.
I have the intelligence and the determination to reach my objectives.

Yet…I never had love.

I never had a love in which I could have shared my life with. I am the man with almost everything in life except for all the simple things. Yet, the best things in life in life are not things…

It is so damned true. I agree…So damn true…

So let this be a lesson to those who asks for success in life. As with everything in life, one has to make sacrifices in order to reach them. I asked for too much and I probably paid a lot more than I had expected.

Was it worth it?

I still don’t know. Then again, I really don’t want to know.

Let me walk a little further…Maybe by then, I’ll find the reason why I am actually walking on this path to start with.

I’ll get back to you later with my answer.

I promise.