Another post in which the picture above has no relation to the content below. In actual fact, this image was reserved for another post I was to make but hey, I like hamburgers.

Before I get side-tracked, I must state my stance on this matter.

I’ve become disillusioned with the idea of falling in love with a woman and have no interest in pursuing any forms of relations with them for I see no great benefit from such efforts.

With that said and done, I believe I must now continue on with this post, elaborating on the topic itself, in efforts to flesh out my reasoning for it.

The cuter they are, the more malicious their intent.

I know some of you readers may interpret this as odd but ask any guy that has ever tried pursuing a “cute” girl and they’ll probably tell you the same. In all honesty, I have pursued so many of these type of women and as a jaded and bitter person, they are not worth the time in effort.

I have had my string of encounters with these sort of women and start to wonder if I am a morbid sadist that’s very keen on inflicting pain upon myself when placed in such scenarios. I’ve decided to remind myself of all the pointless and wasted times in life that have been spent on these miscreants that I should have not been bothered with.

Let’s start with my own psychology. I am naive. Yes, I am indeed truly naive when it comes to the matters of the heart. I am the sort of guy who still believes in old-fashioned values of chivalry, honor and respect. I also believed that even though one may not be the most presentable or “refined” in terms of presentation, one’s true heart will be enough to win her over.

Sad to say, as many of you will surely not find this surprising, these sort of qualities have no meaning in this world of ours. The more you behave in the above manner, the more likely it will be that you will not be able to win their heart.

Though many women wished they could find a man that were their Prince Charming or their Knight in Shining Amour, which makes me wonder as to the attraction of human beings towards shiny, glittering objects but that’s besides the point. The point here is, women dont even know what they want and just belch out the superlatives because they wished they could but know they cannot.

Reasons as to why they cant is simply because, these sort of men do not exist in their eyes. It would be like the equivalent of me saying that I wanted to marry someone like Nicole Kidman and the like. Those who do not meet the criteria are just crap and are those who should be toyed with emotionally.

Much like dangling a carrot in front of a donkey and cajoling it to try its best in getting it even though you know that the donkey has no chance in hell in getting it but is amused by its futile efforts.

I’ve met women like this before. I’ve seen how some of them ended up further down in life as well. Heck, I had feelings for them at one point as well, feelings that I did clearly state to them. So what happened to those whom I had known in bygone times?

From what I could see, many married because they felt that it was the right thing to do at the present time they were at. When I say right, it doesnt mean that they got married because they were madly in love with their spouses, no, no, no. On the contrary, they got married because they knew that if they did not, they would never again have the chance to do so as they got older.

I dont think I have to explain what I’ve said in the above but it is true, dont you think? In Japan, if a woman is not married by the age of 25, the odds of her being married drops to almost nil. The only solution for them would be either to marry a foreigner or just marry the nearest loser that they can get grubby their mitts on.

Ask any married couple if they truly did marry the one’s they truly love and I am sure that some of them would tell you that they wished that they were married to someone else but could not due to some “circumstances”.

I’ve seen this happen and can imagine the reasoning behind their interesting logic for marriage. I can assure you that I am not lying when I say this. I used to think I could fight such a possibility and not have it happen to me but then again, why fight something that doesnt exist, correct?

Rather than deal with all this nonsense, I have decided not to even consider such a thing, marriage, dating, having sexual affairs and what not. It just isnt worth it anymore to have my own beliefs and feelings stomped and crushed by these so-called “Princesses in life” that are too selfish or even too silly to make up their own damned mind in what they want.

There are also women who claim that they never want to get married. Heh, I know of one who did end up getting married even though she claimed she would not ever do so. I believe now that the women who say that they would never consider marriage are the one’s who are the desperate one’s.

They are the one’s who are the most confused and the most stubborn. They are the one’s who are in desperate need for a relationship but cannot commit to one because they are waiting for the most perfect relationship, which I am sad to say, doesnt exist at all.

I too have had this mentality myself and am probably going to be branded as a hypocrite but I have my own reasons as to why I do not want to pursue a relationship at this stage. I’ve spent too much of my life trying to meet the challenges posed by these women and have lost too much of myself in the process. I’ve become frustrated and angered by the reponses and behaviours I see from them.

Picture yourself smiling and trying to act your best as the object of your affection goes about flirting with every man in the room and totally puts you aside. It isnt as if you both dont know each other but she is doing this purposely just to smite you and to test your reactions to see how worthy you are. Even if you pass, she will probably think of another reason as to why she cannot commit to you. I am probably guessing that she wouldnt simply because you dont have nice hair or dont wear pink polo stripped shirts.

Women who test men like this should just, in all honesty, just fucking die.

In other words, I fucking hate women at this point. Though they are some whom I am very close to and am happily sharing my life with, those whom I try my best to share with and try to win their trust ultimately just disappoint me to no end.

To those women who understand and have experienced breaking countless of hearts just because you were so scared and worried about losing your virginity to some hagged looking perv, all I can say is, grow up.

Just fucking grow up already.

Not all men are looking for a quick lay or the glorious victory of stealing your chasity! Why do you all always end up with the men whom you just find superficially appealing and ignore the one’s who are truly making an effort in understanding you? Ignoring the one’s who are truly concerned with you as a person and not some kind of fuck trophy?

Have you women ever thought of that?

Are all women so keenly interested in good looks and nice hair only? Is this your criteria for choosing your suitable mate? Is this the sad reality of the world in which I inhabit?

Can you even imagine the pure illogicalness of that? It is equivalent to me saying that I am dating this girl simply because she has big boobs and a tight ass as well as the all important ‘good fuck’.

Isnt that illogical? Doesnt that just sounds so wrong?

Whatever happened in trying to truly know someone so deep and so true that everything else did not really matter? Does this only exist in fairy tales?

I pray not.

I pray not.

I pray that if it is true, I will truly commit to not get married anymore. I cannot accept this sort of reality and the idea of being with someone whom I know is not 100% faithful to me.

Those who fail to commit, are those who are doomed to fail.

Then again, I have not been interested in women in such a long time I start to wonder if I too have become a wee bit abnormal in this respect.

Oh yeah, another tid-bit about me that I am sure that all these women never even bothered to ask about me.

I too play a fucking musical instrument. I play the guitar, more specifically, I play classical and acoustic. Heck, I too actually had a band when I was younger. I too have made songs with my cheesy little band. I too was quite proficient with playing the drums at one point in my life. I too actually sang for the bloody songs I played with my band.

Does this make me look better in your book?

I guess not. Why? I am starting to wonder if it is because I am not fashionable or wear pink, as I’ve stated earlier or god forbid, do not have chicken hair.

Then again, I why should I even care at this point?

Easy, for the cuter they are, the more malicious their intent.

Maybe I should start categorizing these sorts of women and analyze their deficiencies. Who knows? Maybe I will then indeed find the answers I’ve been looking for and in hopes of not repeating these mistakes I have made so many times.

Another bit about me that I am sure many of you who know me well will find surprising. I too had been in love and in a relationship with someone at one point in my life. As short as it was, I find that I have had a lot more happier memories about her than all these other women whom I’ve met. She was honest with me and she truly did care about my well-being. It was quite an odd relationship but then again, after suffering for so long, it was indeed a remarkable experience to actually feel someone actually give a damn.

We both learnt a lot about one another and even though we had to part at one point, we remain true friends that I wouldnt trade for anything in this god forsaken world.

I miss her greatly but I know I cannot put my heart into truly spending my life with her. She understands this as well, seeing that we were both indeed from totally different worlds. The only thing that kept us together, from what I could gather now was just communication and just being there for one another.

As for who she is, I doubt anyone of you guys know her and trust me, you dont.

To be honest, I now feel kind of poignant and a wee bit amused here when I think about it…

I wonder why….

I guess that’s all for me to find out.

Anyhow, peace out folks and all the best to all your future endeavors! =P

I am tired.

No, I am not depressed or mentally distraught. I am physically tired. I know I should be sleeping now but I felt like writing this entry, to appease my mind. I had a good day without a doubt, albeit it being a little weird.

I’ve been asked by some as to why I never write about my personal life in this blog. Simply put, I’ve been asked by some as to why I don’t write of my daily actions and events that occur within a day of my life.

So I’ve decided to answer this simplistic query.

Everyone who reads my blog should at the very least have a general idea of who I am and what I generally do on a day to day basis. Regurgitating events that happen to me on a day to day basis is just tiring. Then again, my life is pretty boring to say the least without any true ‘action’ that warrants any true postings as well. To me, what is interesting in my life does not concern external events. My interests are diverse and obscure.

I find it hard to find others who share my weird-sense of interest. Then again, have I actually tried to find others much like myself?

Have I?

I remember having a conversation with a great friend of mine before he had to leave for the states. I’ve always looked up to him. He was indeed the first person I have ever met that I could truly feel humbled and completely respectfully to his sayings.

He asked me a simple question.

“Why don’t you find another girl? I am sure that someone with your charm and intellect would have no trouble finding one. You are now a success in your own right. You have a career and wonderful prospects ahead of you. Why don’t you?”

To which I quickly replied.

“I am an oddity. Think about it, how many people in this town actually speak and share our sort of interest and style? How many people can you find in this town that you are willing to admit that excite and intrigue you? Let’s make it simpler. How many people do you know that speaks English as their primary language and thinks like us?”

His response surprised me.

It surprised me because he agreed with what I’d said.

That scared me to death. It made me feel even more lost than I had originally conceived. For if someone whom I look up to so much agrees with this sad and disconcerting conclusion, then what hope would I possibly have in changing the future which I am being led into?

Yet respectfully, his life is not like mine. His life is a lot better. Not because he had a golden spoon in his mouth. On the contrary, it was because he was in a higher state of mind than I was. I guess, the silliest way of explaining this is to akin it to him achieving some form of Zen.

He is on a totally different level than I am presently at.

He’s the sort of man who you know that one day, you will gladly follow into battle with without question. He helped me learn so much during my time overseas. Without him, I would have probably ended up a lot worse than I am now.

Come to think of it. I now realize something in my life that I find surprising.

Why did I realize?

I am abnormal. I am beyond the fringes of society in terms of my assimilation into the great majority in this city. I also realize that I have not truly grown in the past 2 years. I have been living in the shadow of a memory that was overtly blown out of proportion.

It is interesting to note that once I actually stepped out of the box and viewed the whole situation from a distance, it scared me. Things that I thought were of the norm in day to day human life was to me illogical and incoherent.

The more I thought about it, the more I wondered as to why I would actually shun society to start with. I thought about myself in the context of the future, as to how would it be possible for me to expect any significant improvements in the future?

It must be said that if one’s not happy today, then how is it possible for you to be happier tomorrow? In a sense, you were happy without a doubt yet you subjected yourself to a sadistic self-mutilated form of self-pity and destruction, in effort to protect your stubbornness and pride by labeling everyone else as the cause of your plight.

One must think that if you label your happiness as sadness, then all you can expect from life is a ever stream of self-abuses made to one’s own self. I find it rather disturbing, don’t you?

Yet that’s me. That’s who I really am.

I’ve grown into quite an interesting work of art. More like a cruel artistic representation of the violence and stupidity of darkness deep down in one’s mind. I’ve made my anger known. I’ve made my weaknesses known. I’ve made my self-loathing known. I’ve made everyone that knows me to label me as a dysfunctional, misappropriated piece of flesh.

I’ve always waited for the silver lining. In a way, sometimes it worked. However, the majority of it utterly disappoints. Then again, never voicing one’s hopes and desires will surely ensure that those hopes will never come true.

I blame others for the failures of the past 2 years. I blame them because I cannot admit that it was indeed all my own fault. I find comfort in knowing that their flaws can be exploited by me just to make myself feel better.

The old me would have never let such a thing happen. The old me would have been polite to everyone and would have gotten with almost everyone in the most silliest of manner. The old me now lays buried under the fear and oppressive feelings of self-stagnantation.

What ever happened to me? How did I turn out to be such a major asshole in the end?

Why was it that once I had experienced love, I became so wretched and cruel?

How is that possible? Does it really make sense?

It doesn’t, doesn’t it?

Maybe it was because of the loss. Then again, maybe it was because of my impatience. Yet let us consider another angle to this argument. Maybe it was because I was scared of life. I truly lived in a shell, come to think of it. I lived in a shell that I have probably outgrown by now. I feel compelled nowadays to just live my life quietly without hurting everyone else with my outbursts of self-pity.

I hate this. I hate what I turned myself into. I turned myself into the sort of person who I would personally hate. I didn’t intend it to happen, yet it did.

This is indeed my own personal hell. I must have done so many sins in my life to have myself land in this predicament.

I am a monster. A monster that craves and hurts others, just for the selfish pursuit of self-fulfillment.

On the bright side, I made a baby smile today. I was just looking at her with this weird and awkward look, not knowing how I should react, for fear of imprinting something bad in her mind. I smiled at her but she kept looking at me with her big and inquisitive eyes.

After awhile, she smiled and laughed at me.

It actually made me happy to see her smile at me. Maybe I am not the monster I had thought of myself to be. I smiled back and felt this sense of joy that I was not as useless that I had thought myself to be.

Maybe it isn’t too late to save myself from this endless pit I’ve put myself into. If someone with such a pure mind could actually find an element in me to smile about, then there must still be some good left in me.

Maybe I can still fix myself and find that old me that was lost so long ago.

I must find him. I must find what I had lost and rightfully reclaim it once more.

“If I don’t do it, who will right?”

Yes, you can all call me a hypocrite for those who know.

I will leave my life in this town and begin a new life over there. It may get lonely but at the very least, they’ll be no more hurt done to all. There will be no one to blame except for myself and there will be no more sadness to all.

I know now that I must live my own life alone and find the things that I want on my own. I cannot expect everyone that I had placed so much hope on to help me no more.

I will commit my life to my own self-excellence, if I ever do achieve such a state. “I can and I shall!”, as what I usually tell myself. Then, I may then achieve that higher state of mind through the isolation and hardships that I should face now in my life.

I guess my life wasn’t meant to be shared with anyone nor would anyone would want to share theirs with me.

Someday it would be possible I guess but from where I am standing, it would be better if I just disappear from everyone else. Not be a part of the greater whole that surrounds me in this town. Take up a new persona and a new outlook in life.

Leaving all the pain and sadness here, in my place of birth.

Will I be able to achieve all of this?

Why ask? This will indeed be my new objective in life. Just like a fresh coat of paint.

2 weeks to go.

I’ll find out soon enough.

After posting up the previous post in this blog, I had the opportunity to share my findings with a colleague of mine. This led to the heaviest existential, philosophical discussion ever, concerning us humans. It spanned topics from biological behaviors, suicide tendencies all the way down to human history.

Way interesting!

I will provide a write-up in the near future after I’ve digested all this information in my head. Yet I guess what they say is true, one’s own perception of life determines what actions that will come from it.

Yet I must pose this question to those who read this.

What animal other than humans have the tendency to commit suicide? As in understanding the consequence of their actions leading to death and logically accepting it without any reservation?

The answer I got from my colleague was a moth, as in a moth to a flame, but I did not accept it seeing that it was an insect and not a mammal.

It was all very intriguing and it has been far too long since I had my mind jogged like this. Much fun!

Plus here’s another quip that I realized while discussing this matter.

The more you say no to something, the more you want it.
The more you want something, the more likely you wont get it.

Think about it. It does make sense doesn’t it?

Read at your own risk.

Let’s speak of my own psychology and my present state of affairs.

I’ve lost my faith in humanity.

The good never prevails and honor is scorned upon.

Pure honesty is thought of as a fear as well as a weakness.

Material status and gain are what determines a person, in the eyes of the many.

Purity of emotions in the respect to others is laughed upon.

One must ask one self before one passes judgment on another.
One must always ask themselves this when one decides to evict another against crimes that were not enacted by them.

Humanity saddens me in regards to the assumptions and motives hidden beneath every committed action.

“Treat Others How You Would Like to be Treated.”

Yet when one’s honesty and integrity is returned with pure treachery and conceited lies, one does actually wonder as to why one subjects one self to such afflictions of the mind.

Much like how photographers embellish the art of portraits, the face tells many stories of a person as well as the history of their coming.

Every bit of damage done to the psychology is made known to the world just by the mere glance of one’s facial extremities.

I asked this question to a colleague of mine today, “If Superman is impervious to everything except Kryptonite, then would it be possible for him to succumb psychological stress and tension?”

I pondered on this as I asked.

The answer that came to me soon made me realize as to the extent of my existence and humanity to the clouding pains I have been subjected to all this while.

Fight as I may, yet I know that it is not true.

I fight for reasons I hold so deep in my heart, yet for all I can see, are all scars and scabs of my naive heart trying to seek what that has been sought.

I question my existence at this stage. I question the very reason why I had been subjected to all this…Much can be said that one’s own perception of reality determines one’s surroundings, yet when one tries his best to rectify the sadness around him and improves utterly nothing, one wonders as to what was his own shortcomings in respect to the greater majority.

The downward spiral. Into the abyss and the darkness, one must transcend in order to find one’s most desired self.

Cherished? Cherished…What should be cherished? Even the sands of time will lay to waste everything in its path. Weren’t some of the great valleys of the world formed from the passing of the sands of time?

Sad…Very sad…I weep for the soul that lays trapped in this physical shell of flesh.

Ultimately, it is true. I am lost in this world. I live in a shell that is seemingly good. Yet I know that my soul hurts with every passing moment of time, awaiting for something…Something that I don’t know if I can discern anymore.

To be honest, I sometimes think that my anima has abandoned me.
Leaving me for my inability to accept the world in which I see.

To which I must counter, seek and you shall find, or so that say.

Seek to which your heart desires the most and believe in yourself, as some had said to me.

Believe in yourself and not give up. You deserve it and are worthy of such, as words of kindness are shared with me.

Fret not, you will someday find your match, as casually spoken by someone whom I respect the most.

All these kind and wonderful words, all these wonderful words of great assurance and kindness…

Which does boil down to this, are only words.

Words…Words hold no reasons without action…Words are just a culmination of thoughts and opinions, used to express one’s states. Words like what is being written here. Words that hold no significant meaning to others other than me.

Yet I must ask, who does really care of what words I spout out anyway?

For those who have ventured this far down this unknown path of my mind, I thank thee.

For those who have just jumped to this sentence, looking for a quick summary, I welcome your inspections.

For those who do not even bother reading this, I couldn’t care less. For this is my own personal space and not of yours to bother.

I write for the sake of my own desires. I write in such an obstuficating manner for my own pleasure.

I write because I like writing.

I’ve come to realize that many things in this world aren’t as what I had envisioned long ago.
I’ve come to realize that many things in life, even the most simplest, is truly unfair.
I’ve also come to understand now that no matter how much kind words are exchanged nor the exchange of great kind actions between people may come to be, the world in itself will never change.

As to what the world my turn into, it is highly dependant on my own perspective on how I address this matter.

It differs from person to person, one’s perspective and expectations of what one seeks and feels in this world.

One might even suggest that we all live in our very own dimensions, if one thinks about it.

Reckless abandon.

Reckless and abandoned.

I guess that alone speaks so much to the state of my psychology.

I need to find my anima…
I need to find out who she really is…
Then I must find the reasons as to why I shouldn’t fall into the ideals presented by my anima…
I’ve lost reasoning and logic…I guess to many, this will be considered as an “emo” post.

You don’t know me.

You never did know me.

You have no right to question my psychology.

You cannot question it for you do not understand its underlying reasons as to why it came to be.

Unless…

If you did bother to understand me.

If you did consider that I too am worth your time.

If you did try to comprehend the possible ramifications and outcomes of your actions in regards to me.

If you’d just listened patiently and not assumed, based on your stereotypes.

If you just gave me a chance.

The apocalypse is nothing as compared to what I feel in my mind.

Physical pain is only temporary.

Psychological pain lasts forever.

Dig. Dig. Dig.

Find the reasons as to why you are like this.

Dig. Dig. Dig.

I question myself to no end.

Dig. Dig. Dig.

Will I ever find the answer to what I’ve sought for so long?

Dig. Dig. Dig.

Where did it all go wrong?

Dig. Dig. Dig.

I am scared I’ll find nothing.

Dig. Dig. Dig.
Dig. Dig. Dig.
Dig. Dig. Dig.

…silence…

Dig…
Dig…
Dig…

Humanity…Humanity…Humanity…

Sadly, I’ll probably forget.

I’ve grown accustom to forgetting…

Maybe the Gods are truly bestowing some of their mercy upon which I have highly sought for.

One can only wonder…