Late night thoughts
I am tired.
No, I am not depressed or mentally distraught. I am physically tired. I know I should be sleeping now but I felt like writing this entry, to appease my mind. I had a good day without a doubt, albeit it being a little weird.
I’ve been asked by some as to why I never write about my personal life in this blog. Simply put, I’ve been asked by some as to why I don’t write of my daily actions and events that occur within a day of my life.
So I’ve decided to answer this simplistic query.
Everyone who reads my blog should at the very least have a general idea of who I am and what I generally do on a day to day basis. Regurgitating events that happen to me on a day to day basis is just tiring. Then again, my life is pretty boring to say the least without any true ‘action’ that warrants any true postings as well. To me, what is interesting in my life does not concern external events. My interests are diverse and obscure.
I find it hard to find others who share my weird-sense of interest. Then again, have I actually tried to find others much like myself?
I remember having a conversation with a great friend of mine before he had to leave for the states. I’ve always looked up to him. He was indeed the first person I have ever met that I could truly feel humbled and completely respectfully to his sayings.
He asked me a simple question.
“Why don’t you find another girl? I am sure that someone with your charm and intellect would have no trouble finding one. You are now a success in your own right. You have a career and wonderful prospects ahead of you. Why don’t you?”
To which I quickly replied.
“I am an oddity. Think about it, how many people in this town actually speak and share our sort of interest and style? How many people can you find in this town that you are willing to admit that excite and intrigue you? Let’s make it simpler. How many people do you know that speaks English as their primary language and thinks like us?”
His response surprised me.
It surprised me because he agreed with what I’d said.
That scared me to death. It made me feel even more lost than I had originally conceived. For if someone whom I look up to so much agrees with this sad and disconcerting conclusion, then what hope would I possibly have in changing the future which I am being led into?
Yet respectfully, his life is not like mine. His life is a lot better. Not because he had a golden spoon in his mouth. On the contrary, it was because he was in a higher state of mind than I was. I guess, the silliest way of explaining this is to akin it to him achieving some form of Zen.
He is on a totally different level than I am presently at.
He’s the sort of man who you know that one day, you will gladly follow into battle with without question. He helped me learn so much during my time overseas. Without him, I would have probably ended up a lot worse than I am now.
Come to think of it. I now realize something in my life that I find surprising.
Why did I realize?
I am abnormal. I am beyond the fringes of society in terms of my assimilation into the great majority in this city. I also realize that I have not truly grown in the past 2 years. I have been living in the shadow of a memory that was overtly blown out of proportion.
It is interesting to note that once I actually stepped out of the box and viewed the whole situation from a distance, it scared me. Things that I thought were of the norm in day to day human life was to me illogical and incoherent.
The more I thought about it, the more I wondered as to why I would actually shun society to start with. I thought about myself in the context of the future, as to how would it be possible for me to expect any significant improvements in the future?
It must be said that if one’s not happy today, then how is it possible for you to be happier tomorrow? In a sense, you were happy without a doubt yet you subjected yourself to a sadistic self-mutilated form of self-pity and destruction, in effort to protect your stubbornness and pride by labeling everyone else as the cause of your plight.
One must think that if you label your happiness as sadness, then all you can expect from life is a ever stream of self-abuses made to one’s own self. I find it rather disturbing, don’t you?
Yet that’s me. That’s who I really am.
I’ve grown into quite an interesting work of art. More like a cruel artistic representation of the violence and stupidity of darkness deep down in one’s mind. I’ve made my anger known. I’ve made my weaknesses known. I’ve made my self-loathing known. I’ve made everyone that knows me to label me as a dysfunctional, misappropriated piece of flesh.
I’ve always waited for the silver lining. In a way, sometimes it worked. However, the majority of it utterly disappoints. Then again, never voicing one’s hopes and desires will surely ensure that those hopes will never come true.
I blame others for the failures of the past 2 years. I blame them because I cannot admit that it was indeed all my own fault. I find comfort in knowing that their flaws can be exploited by me just to make myself feel better.
The old me would have never let such a thing happen. The old me would have been polite to everyone and would have gotten with almost everyone in the most silliest of manner. The old me now lays buried under the fear and oppressive feelings of self-stagnantation.
What ever happened to me? How did I turn out to be such a major asshole in the end?
Why was it that once I had experienced love, I became so wretched and cruel?
How is that possible? Does it really make sense?
It doesn’t, doesn’t it?
Maybe it was because of the loss. Then again, maybe it was because of my impatience. Yet let us consider another angle to this argument. Maybe it was because I was scared of life. I truly lived in a shell, come to think of it. I lived in a shell that I have probably outgrown by now. I feel compelled nowadays to just live my life quietly without hurting everyone else with my outbursts of self-pity.
I hate this. I hate what I turned myself into. I turned myself into the sort of person who I would personally hate. I didn’t intend it to happen, yet it did.
This is indeed my own personal hell. I must have done so many sins in my life to have myself land in this predicament.
I am a monster. A monster that craves and hurts others, just for the selfish pursuit of self-fulfillment.
On the bright side, I made a baby smile today. I was just looking at her with this weird and awkward look, not knowing how I should react, for fear of imprinting something bad in her mind. I smiled at her but she kept looking at me with her big and inquisitive eyes.
After awhile, she smiled and laughed at me.
It actually made me happy to see her smile at me. Maybe I am not the monster I had thought of myself to be. I smiled back and felt this sense of joy that I was not as useless that I had thought myself to be.
Maybe it isn’t too late to save myself from this endless pit I’ve put myself into. If someone with such a pure mind could actually find an element in me to smile about, then there must still be some good left in me.
Maybe I can still fix myself and find that old me that was lost so long ago.
I must find him. I must find what I had lost and rightfully reclaim it once more.
“If I don’t do it, who will right?”
Yes, you can all call me a hypocrite for those who know.
I will leave my life in this town and begin a new life over there. It may get lonely but at the very least, they’ll be no more hurt done to all. There will be no one to blame except for myself and there will be no more sadness to all.
I know now that I must live my own life alone and find the things that I want on my own. I cannot expect everyone that I had placed so much hope on to help me no more.
I will commit my life to my own self-excellence, if I ever do achieve such a state. “I can and I shall!”, as what I usually tell myself. Then, I may then achieve that higher state of mind through the isolation and hardships that I should face now in my life.
I guess my life wasn’t meant to be shared with anyone nor would anyone would want to share theirs with me.
Someday it would be possible I guess but from where I am standing, it would be better if I just disappear from everyone else. Not be a part of the greater whole that surrounds me in this town. Take up a new persona and a new outlook in life.
Leaving all the pain and sadness here, in my place of birth.
Will I be able to achieve all of this?
Why ask? This will indeed be my new objective in life. Just like a fresh coat of paint.
2 weeks to go.
I’ll find out soon enough.
Like this post? Subscribe to my RSS feed and get loads more!